The truth about addiction

I will apologise in advance, if today’s entry seems a bit down on life. I’m not feeling at my spiritual best right now. I suppose for the past few months I’ve been on a spiritual high, with things going so well at work. Inevitably after every high there is a low, as I increasingly find [...]

Yesterday I spent most of the day with AA friends, and had a lovely day as a result. In Holborn there was the annual gay AA convention. I got there early in the afternoon and was pleased to see that I knew most of the 50 or so people present. During the first hour we [...]

Tuesday night I was given cause for concern when Andy called me, sounding desperate. He’s been having a rough time recently, unemployed and searching for that job that will change everything. It’s not just being poor, it’s being trapped at home, having all your choices taken away from you, not having any reason to get [...]

I’ve done it again. Put myself in a situation where my recovery may have ended up seriously compromised. It all started off innocuously enough, as I was invited by Ethan to a party at the place where he has recently begun to do voluntary work. You’d think: how bad can it be? The moment I [...]

Rock bottom

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear – I’ve been a silly old fool this weekend. For about the past two weeks, after honestly telling Gareth that I couldn’t see him any more because it hurt too much, I found myself irresistibly drawn to his internet profile, and yesterday we finally began exchanging messages again. Pretty [...]

What’s the point? What is the fucking POINT? This afternoon I get my glad rags on, I go out, meet Melanie in town to watch England’s first match in the World Cup, I have fun, so much fun that after it’s all over I decide to visit the gay scene, where I am determined to [...]

I’ve been invited to a work colleague’s birthday party tonight, and I don’t want to go. She’s having an 80’s themed fancy dress do at her house in West London before heading into town for a night of trendy clubbing. A few years ago it would have been my idea of the perfect night out. [...]

I’ve started drinking coffee, which is really unusual for me. All my life I’ve hated the taste of coffee. This leads me to the conclusion that I have simply acquired a taste for caffeine. It’s all work’s fault – everyone drinks coffee there, all the time. Sometimes the caffeine helps raise my levels of alertness [...]

I finally saw my doctor yesterday, nearly two weeks after I should have seen her, and got a renewal on the medication from which I was experiencing severe withdrawal. She wasn’t too impressed with me when I mentioned that I had allowed myself to go into withdrawal. Apparently I’ll be much better off bringing the [...]

Low level anxiety has lessened, my mood has calmed and therefore the past couple of days have been OK. The immediate effects of withdrawal from citalopram which caused me to feel physically ill earlier in the week are now less noticeable, as my body has apparently got used to the drop in serotonin. Maybe – [...]