It’s a shame that last weekend happened, but it happened, and I have to deal with it. In the end I slipped on one of my bottom lines, using pornography to fill the hole in the soul. I couldn’t have slept on Sunday night otherwise. The eleven days of true sobriety that I had built [...]

The truth about addiction

I will apologise in advance, if today’s entry seems a bit down on life. I’m not feeling at my spiritual best right now. I suppose for the past few months I’ve been on a spiritual high, with things going so well at work. Inevitably after every high there is a low, as I increasingly find [...]

Yesterday I spent most of the day with AA friends, and had a lovely day as a result. In Holborn there was the annual gay AA convention. I got there early in the afternoon and was pleased to see that I knew most of the 50 or so people present. During the first hour we [...]

I went on a date on Sunday. It was a lot less exciting than it sounds. Actually, it was quite a nice afternoon, but I don’t expect much will come of it. And I’m fine with that. The guy I met was perfectly nice: young, intelligent, cute, everything you’d want. He was also too shy [...]

I just got home after spending a pleasant couple of hours in Soho with my closest friend. It nearly turned into a proper night out, but in the end our tiredness won out against the old desire to be like everyone else our age, staying out until three in the morning. It’s only midnight but [...]

Today I was the recipient of my first ever step 9 amends. It came from my former sponsor, who relapsed earlier this year when I was in the middle of step 4. I didn’t feel that he really owed me an apology, but I went to meet him anyway as I hadn’t seen him since [...]

Last night I was booked in to do the chair at Hop Gardens. It’s the biggest gay AA meeting in London, with at least 70 regular attendees. When I got there I was understandably nervous about speaking in front of such a large crowd. I’d never chaired a meeting of more than about 30 people [...]

Tuesday night I was given cause for concern when Andy called me, sounding desperate. He’s been having a rough time recently, unemployed and searching for that job that will change everything. It’s not just being poor, it’s being trapped at home, having all your choices taken away from you, not having any reason to get [...]

Three Years

It’s been exactly three years to the day since I last had an alcoholic drink. Unbelievable? Extremely. Happy? Mostly. I wouldn’t say I was entirely jubilant today, mainly because of the several close shaves that I have gone through in recent weeks. I’m fairly convinced that those close shaves were in anticipation of this anniversary [...]

I’ve done it again. Put myself in a situation where my recovery may have ended up seriously compromised. It all started off innocuously enough, as I was invited by Ethan to a party at the place where he has recently begun to do voluntary work. You’d think: how bad can it be? The moment I [...]