Last night I had a dream that I will never forget: the sort of dream that I have once every few years which might actually mean something. In the dream I was sitting alone on a bench in what looked like my old school gymnasium, arms and legs crossed, feeling quite bored and dejected, while [...]

The truth about addiction

I will apologise in advance, if today’s entry seems a bit down on life. I’m not feeling at my spiritual best right now. I suppose for the past few months I’ve been on a spiritual high, with things going so well at work. Inevitably after every high there is a low, as I increasingly find [...]

Today I was the recipient of my first ever step 9 amends. It came from my former sponsor, who relapsed earlier this year when I was in the middle of step 4. I didn’t feel that he really owed me an apology, but I went to meet him anyway as I hadn’t seen him since [...]

Last night I was booked in to do the chair at Hop Gardens. It’s the biggest gay AA meeting in London, with at least 70 regular attendees. When I got there I was understandably nervous about speaking in front of such a large crowd. I’d never chaired a meeting of more than about 30 people [...]

Tuesday night I was given cause for concern when Andy called me, sounding desperate. He’s been having a rough time recently, unemployed and searching for that job that will change everything. It’s not just being poor, it’s being trapped at home, having all your choices taken away from you, not having any reason to get [...]

Three Years

It’s been exactly three years to the day since I last had an alcoholic drink. Unbelievable? Extremely. Happy? Mostly. I wouldn’t say I was entirely jubilant today, mainly because of the several close shaves that I have gone through in recent weeks. I’m fairly convinced that those close shaves were in anticipation of this anniversary [...]

I’ve done it again. Put myself in a situation where my recovery may have ended up seriously compromised. It all started off innocuously enough, as I was invited by Ethan to a party at the place where he has recently begun to do voluntary work. You’d think: how bad can it be? The moment I [...]

Rock bottom

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear – I’ve been a silly old fool this weekend. For about the past two weeks, after honestly telling Gareth that I couldn’t see him any more because it hurt too much, I found myself irresistibly drawn to his internet profile, and yesterday we finally began exchanging messages again. Pretty [...]

As the result of a few events brought about by my own alcoholic determination to feel sorry for myself, I have experienced a great deal of unnecessary pain this week. The first event was my trip to Heaven on Saturday, perhaps badly judged, the emotional consequences of which I really paid for that night. There [...]

What’s the point? What is the fucking POINT? This afternoon I get my glad rags on, I go out, meet Melanie in town to watch England’s first match in the World Cup, I have fun, so much fun that after it’s all over I decide to visit the gay scene, where I am determined to [...]