A couple of days ago I was mystified and intrigued to receive a friend request on facebook from someone called Spike who I’d never met or (to my knowledge) seen before. Seeing that he looked exceptionally cute in his profile picture I decided to accept his request, before sending a message asking where he knew me from. It turned out that he had mistaken me with someone else. I was naturally a little disappointed, having thought that he saw my profile and simply liked the look of me! We had a bit of a laugh about his mistake and got into a chat, realising that we actually had a lot in common. It emerged that Spike is sober like me, and used to go the gay meetings in London. We talked about people that we knew and found that we agreed on many things about recovery.

After a few hours I knew I wanted to meet him and was thrilled when he suggested going for coffee today. I noticed on his profile that he was in a relationship and my heart sank, before thinking it might be good to see if a really good platonic relationship could develop. Spike had said that there are no coincidences in life, and I thought he might be right: there had to be some reason why two people with so much in common would meet seemingly by accident on facebook.

When it came to today I was more nervous than I expected to be. Having looked at Spike’s profile pictures, I was absolutely sure that I would meet him and want to jump on him instantly. In some cases pictures on a computer screen don’t always do a person justice, but with Spike I knew before I met him that I was going to be very attracted to him, and I was right. We met in my usual haunt, Costa Coffee on Old Compton Street, the place where at least one member of gay AA in London can always be found.

The first thing Spike did was give me a big bear hug, and I didn’t want to let go. We then sat talking for an hour or so, about our lives, our families, our insecurities and the things we love. I was hoping he wouldn’t mention his boyfriend, but he did eventually, and I could tell then that I had no chance of breaking up a happy home. Not that I would want to anyway – I think even I’m too nice to do that.

After an hour Spike wasn’t feeling so well, having eaten something bad last night, and decided to go home, leaving me with another warm hug. As soon as he was gone I felt the need to cry coming on, and getting home became a matter of urgency so I could let the feelings out. Until then I was doing OK, I’d had a good time with Spike, but as soon as he was gone I felt like a really horrible person. Why? Because in the space of an hour I had managed to fall hopelessly in love with him.

Logically I can’t be in love with him because I’ve only known him a couple of days. But since when did logic stop me from getting into these situations? I feel like such a terrible person not only because I’ve allowed myself to fall headfirst into crazy, co-dependent infatuation once again, but also because he is in a relationship with someone else, and this is not what I need to be happening right now. It would be difficult for just about anyone normal; for someone crazy like me, it’s really quite dangerous.

Worst of all is the fact that Spike is SUCH a nice person. He probably needs this even less than I do. Who am I to think he’d even consider leaving his partner of over a decade for some needy kid like me? No, this is just the WRONG thing for me to be thinking about today. I’ve only just completed my three circles for my SLAA sponsor and already I’m going against them by allowing a stupid fantasy to carry me away again. I knew  my sobriety was going to be tested, but God, couldn’t you just wait a couple more years before doing this to me? Why now?

Anyway, I’m at home now, safe at least from any form of acting out. I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to look at online porn and I don’t particularly want to spend money killing my feelings in a sex club. I just want to be alone. I’ve got my home group to go to later, and I don’t particularly want to go. I should share about what’s happened today but I would just feel SO embarrassed. While other people at my stage of sobriety are getting on with their lives, forming healthy relationships, I’m still stuck at the hopelessly wishy-washy, romantic stage that I should have passed when I turned 18.

The thing is, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me, is it? I’ve lost count of the number of intense crushes that I’ve suffered from in AA. I’ve suffered from this tendency towards infatuation since the age of fifteen or sixteen. My feelings today were just as intense as the feelings I had ten years ago. For some reason, I’m not getting past this, and I just don’t know what to do. Should I see Spike again and pretend to just be happy with platonic friendship? Hope that the crush will die as soon as I realise how great the friendship can be? I’d love that to be the case, but right now the thought of yet another childish fantasy crush dying on me strikes me as very sad. I was talking about grief the other day, and it’s grief that I’m in right now: grief for another dying infatuation. The fantasy doesn’t want to die, and that’s why it’s so painful.

If there is any positive to be taken from today, and believe me, I’ve REALLY tried to find one, it’s that I am still capable of meeting men who make me feel anything. I’m not a cold hearted robot, I’m a human being, and I will always be one. I shouldn’t feel shame in that, though I do a bit. I guess if I can click with some guy I met randomly on facebook in such a big way then I can click with anyone, and maybe one day, one of these men will be able to reciprocate the attraction.