I’m trying to attend 90 AA meetings in 90 days because I want to see if I can complete something challenging and time-consuming. Because of anxiety and depression I’ve always had a problem with completing things and taking responsibility. So far I’ve been to a meeting every day for the past two weeks, meaning that I have about eleven weeks left. It hasn’t been too complicated or difficult so far. Daily meetings at least give my life some purpose. I’m hoping that by the end of this stretch I will be a bit more sorted. I’m hoping that I will have dealt with some of my insecurities inside and outside of the fellowship. I’m hoping, basically, that I will be in a strong enough position to turn my life around and give my career a kick up the arse.

 I can’t say that I feel in a strong position at the moment. I feel very much caught between two possible directions which my life could take. On the one hand there’s the pressing need for money, which has encouraged me to apply for jobs nearly every day for the past six weeks. I’ve gone for relatively easy but interesting office jobs which I think I might be able to tolerate for more than a week, as a safeguard. On the other hand, there is my life-long ambition to write stories, a dream which never dies. I’m trying to write the second draft of an exciting children’s science-fiction novel at the moment, but because I’m so concerned about not having much money, I can’t put all my energy into it. And for some reason, when my heart is not entirely in my writing, it doesn’t seem to work. In that state, everything I write is half-hearted and rushed. It only works when I’m happy and contented. The last time I had a real burst of creative energy was last September, when I’m sure I experienced my first spiritual experience in AA. Since then there has been a slow trickle of words coming out of my mind, but it’s hardly been inspiring. I want to finish this novel more than anything in the world. Whether it gets published or not is not so important, I just know that it needs to be written. Somehow, the idea of finishing a proper novel has taken on a great significance in my life. It’s almost like I won’t be complete until I’ve written it.

 The good news is that I actually finished the first draft, so the whole story is already there on paper. I’ve probably said before that all I need to do is fill out some of the characters as well as some of the imagery and description. The second draft is all about style, rather than substance. Unfortunately, editing in this way takes a long time, and most of the time I find it really boring. I know the novel won’t be finished until I’ve done it, though. Leaving the first draft as it was would have been like trying to sell the shell of a house. It wouldn’t have had any of the plubming, electrics or furnishing inside.

 I’m so drawn to writing, I wish I could just forget about work and do this forever. But the need for money continues to bother me like a recurring nightmare. The other day I found myself asking God what I’m supposed to do with my life. Why has it been so hard to find paid work this summer? Surely if I was meant to spend my time writing, then God wouldn’t have allowed my financial situation to become so difficult. Surely if I’m meant to get an ordinary job, God wouldn’t make it so difficult to find one. I know the saying ‘if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans’, so I’m desperately trying not to force my self-will onto this situation. I seriously want to know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. Why do I feel so stuck at the moment?

 In all of this, I suppose I hope that doing 90 in 90 will help me find some kind of direction. My sponsor is very pleased that I’ve finally decided to give 90 in 90 a go: he says it can provide you with answers when you can’t find them yourself. I’m not sure yet what answers I might find, if any. I think the main reason I’m doing daily meetings is actually to stop myself from going mad. If I was just sat at home this summer, doing nothing except worrying about the job situation, I’d lose my mind. At least in meetings I can talk about it and get some support and feedback.