I’m facing tough choices about J. He came around again on Friday: this time we watched a film on the laptop, an old American crime thriller with Mel Gibson which was surprisingly good, before cuddling up and getting naked again. It was even better than last week, if you’d believe that possible. I thought I was having the best sex of my life. When it was over, even more so than the last time, I felt something missing.
We started talking. He said he could understand why I need to know what’s going on. But he isn’t going to allow himself to rush this time. He wouldn’t say much about this recent relationship that hurt him so much, but it’s clear that he gave his heart away the same way I always give mine away, and it got trampled on. Unlike me, having his heart broken seems to have taught him the lessons that needed learning, so that now he knows exactly what you’re supposed to do in this situation. He talks as if his experience gave him the rulebook for relationships he’d been searching for all his life. Christ, if only I could get my hands on that rulebook.
I said that I hope he likes me. He said he does like me – and that’s all he would say. He has no plans to say anything else until at least a few months have passed, and I’m just going to have to accept that. I said but what about the time we’ve spent together? Doesn’t that tell him anything? He said we’ve barely spent any time together, although it’s been nice it’s not exactly a twenty year marriage. He probably didn’t intend it, but his words were like a punch in the stomach. After that I wasn’t so sure if I wanted him here any more.
After I broke up with M I kicked myself for not waiting a few months before telling him I loved him. Yet here I am with someone new, dying to make the same mistake. Am I just crazy?
I keep thinking about all the advice my friends have given me, how much sense it makes and how stupidly impossible it is to follow. I know I need to be in control of this thing and treat it like any other developing friendship or relationship, not try and name it and put it into a box before I even know the person. But I can’t help wanting some reassurances. It drives me mad that I feel like J is the sexiest guy I’ve ever dated and I can’t say it to him because he won’t want to know yet. He’s firmly closed that door and my heart sinks when I think about all the months of keeping it zipped I’m going to have to go through now.
If I try and turn the tables, imagine that I have as much control as he does, I can barely stay in that mindset before I slip naturally back into the passive victim mindset again. I try and think about all the reasons why J wouldn’t be a perfect boyfriend, and I can barely grab hold of one before logic melts away and I’m seeing him as the perfect saviour again.
In six months it’s very likely that the excitement will be over and it will be much clearer to me whether this is the right relationship for me or not. With M after a few months I was able to see what I didn’t like about him and I made an adult decision to end things because it was the right thing to do. It could turn out the same with J, disappointing as that would be, therefore seeking reassurance now and trying to get him to tell me that he loves me is utterly pointless. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting it.
I’ve told pretty much all my friends at work and outside now. I never intended to this soon but it was driving me so crazy I needed all the advice I could get. Now I feel more stuck than ever. I’ve barely heard from him today, which is unusual, and I can’t decide whether to make contact or just leave it. Would it be mature to carry on as normal, make contact with him, ask how he is even though I don’t care how he is, because all I want him to do is tell me how he feels about me? Or would it be really mature just to leave him to it, treat him like I treat all other friends, only contacting him when I want to arrange meeting up? Is that what people in normal relationships do?
Making a decision has been impossible today and I’m in a terrible mood now because of it. My acne has flared up again as well, which really does not help. Right now I could punch a hole in a wall, I’m that annoyed. I think in this mood, I just need to leave him alone. I need to be by myself, let things calm down. This isn’t working.